A lot of you I'm sure, have seen the LITTLE HOUSE episode where Albert is hooked on morphine, and Charles has to take him to a secluded cabin for detox, right?  Cold turkey.  Not pretty.  The perfect son with the curly black hair that favors his daddy so well in looks and good deeds is now one hot mess. But Dad gets him through.

Well, my experience this past week with drugs was NOT as graphic or horrifically damaging to my body as that, (although there were moments I wanted to be in Walnut Grove laughing at Half Pint's latest bucktooth joke)....I did learn several things about addiction, but more importantly about compassion.  Not to mention understanding.

In movies, on tv, and maybe even in our own neighborhoods or sadly within our own families, we see an addict and what is our first thought?

"What an idiot!"  "Why would he/she stoop so low to that?"  "Why would they be willing to pay such a price for that garbage?!"    And of course...."I would never allow myself to get to that point..."

 Hmm.

Since my hospital visit in the summer when I was first diagnosed, they've had me on a very, very strong pain med.  It's what they 'do' as a medical community, its their job to make us comfortable when they assume we will be in extreme pain due to the disease we carry.  Of course as you know part of my miracle is how God is doing things in reverse for me one step at a time, and even though I am at home with Hospice/HomeHealth care, I'm NOT declining, and I love my nurse Paula's reaction everytime she visits. "You look amazing, I am so shocked!"    Not me. Enter large smile here.

As I said on my FB update, those meds started to turn on me and I was finding myself dizzy, very agitated, and nauseous most the day, etc.  It was apparent a change had to be made.  So Paula and the doc made the decision to take me completely off the strong pain med and change up a few other things.  I had truly already felt this was to happen, but as I told her "I'm following God's orders for sure but He has told me YOU are in charge of this part, soooooo..."

WOWZERS.  How many ways can I say ICK.  Insomnia, leg cramps and shakes, anxiety to the max, headaches, and crying....LOTS OF CRYING.  This lasted only days, but it felt like months!  Each day got easier and my nurse was able to help me do a better weaning process through some milder meds, plus she's an incredible 17 year RN full of encouragement and experience that calms wonderfully.  Remember, Mary has never been sick her whole life, so anything medically related is new and an 'adventure' for me, sigh.

Praise the Lord, I'm past the ICK, and I slept all night and awoke this morning feeling 90% normal again.  In my devotions God reminded me I'm still in transition, still only part way there, and to be patient as He gives me step by step what I am to do to see my miracle come to fruition.  (Just last night He gave me steps 1, 2, and 3 and even though Marsh probably thought I was losing it....as I did EXACTLY what He said IN THAT ORDER, it all came together and I slept til 8 am.)   He is such a good God.....trust and obey.  Its that simple, folks.

But you know, this is not what this blog is about.  Here's what really hit me hard during all this.

During my "Albert" experience, two people stuck in my mind over and over.

One was a beautiful, young mom who tried her best to beat her addiction, even through Teen Challenge that has an excellent recovery ratio.  But she ended up committing suicide in a motel.  It shocked everyone, especially her family.

The other is a very young man living on the streets, all his family turned against him mainly because he cannot be trusted in any way not to steal them blind for more drugs.  He's been arrested several times but its as if the authorities don't even want to mess with him anymore, and he's repeatedly released back to the streets....and ultimately more drugs.

Here's the God-question that kept coming to my heart as their faces crossed my mind....

"What kind of pain would drive them to this form of 'numbing' ?  Why would they risk everything, allow the enemy of their bodies and minds to rule over them?"   And of course, let's add on the horrid prospect of detox for them....sometimes worse than the drug effects themselves.

I covered my face with a pillow as I sobbed tears first of sorrow for those two, just because of her sad ending and his seemingly hopeless daily existence.

Then came a different wave of emotion...shame---MINE.

The shame that comes when you realize you've judged someone, and you as a believer see those loving eyes of the Heavenly Father filling with tears as He watches His precious kids hurt so bad.  "Casting the first stone, Mary?"  I ask His forgiveness and start to pray for anything I may have contributed to anyone's pain in that condition.   My pillow is now ready to be laundered. But its not over yet.

Now I'm asked by my Lord, "Are you aware of the pain that first drove these children of mine to want to numb, to forget in any way they can?"   And because I know their stories, I have to answer Him truthfully.

REJECTION.  Two different stories completely, but both containing events that told them in word and action YOU ARE WORTHLESS.  Without details in order to keep identities anonymous, suffice to say adults, family members no less, showered unthinkable, selfish acts on these two as small children....obviously the enemy of their souls sent plenty of reinforcement to remind them "YES, SEE YOU TRULY ARE WORTHLESS, YOU KEEP MESSING UP. WORTHLESS. WORTHLESS."  Failure after failure followed them.  One of them gave up.  The other, I pray for hard nightly.

Why would I want to share such with YOU, friend?  Because I truly believe that in these last days God is going to show us people who will need to be viewed entirely differently and with great compassion and the mercy of Father God.  We will be His hands, His mouth, His provision, His HOPE.

I know this just sounds like a sermon you've all heard before, doesn't it?

But the difference for me is now I KNOW what incredible pain can do to one's mindset.  Especially if the enemy can trick you into thinking you are ALONE in it.  Before I started recovering from this stinking cancer, I had a day where Marsh was gone for 6 hours taking care of business down the hill, and my sister was unavailable for support.  The pain in my body was horrendous, and I screamed, begged, and pleaded for God's help for what seemed like hours on the floor of my livingroom.  Alone.  And alone was the worst part. I didn't know what else to do except take an extra pain pill and exhausted I finally fell asleep.   It's never happened again.

This world of ours is changing so fast and in so many ways.  It's going to get horribly darker where men refuse to acknowledge their need for God, but it is also going to get brighter and prosperous where God's people, those who will actually LIVE AND BREATH by His Word, will be able to see those ones who are hurting so bad and will do something about their pain!!!!   Whether its emotional, physical, whatever .....as it says in the Bible: "....God's goodness will lead men to repentence."   NOT OUR JUDGING, IGNORING, RELIGIOUS WORDS WITH NO ACTION.  His goodness.

Never in a billion years would I have imagined, let alone chosen CANCER to be an avenue in which I would learn so much about myself, my world, and mostly my Lord.  All I know is that after my day on the livingroom carpet, and I prayed my Gethsemene prayer "Nevertheless, Lord, Your will be done."  .....my life has changed.  

My life's aim now is to have the Father's eyes and heart.  When our world starts to get uglier, and the nightly news seems to confirm it all over the world, I am believing that God's people will make the choice to be aware, watch more carefully, for ANYONE who may need that touch of compassion and hope that we have so graciously received....the love of The Father.  Many will be looking for the light in their darkness.  Will you be available?  Are you willing to take the time and invest in someone who has a secret pain that started them down that road of hopelessness?  Maybe its not drugs, maybe its food or sex or whatever.  They were WOUNDED AND ITS STILL BLEEDING.

 I know I WILL BE. God, give me the strength to do it as often as I can.   It's what my miracle is all about!

"So he returned home to his father and while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming.  Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, and embraced him...."  Luke 15