I truly don't know where to start.
Since my diagnosis in September of Stage 4 Bone Cancer my life has been on the biggest roller coaster ever. I have gone as deep as one can go (or did I?) and yet now I am experiencing daily miracles that make me want to shout from the housetops what an incredible God I have.
I guess it will have to be written down in my book someday....a work in progress for the last 7 years...sigh. But I have a feeling I will also be sharing, no....take that back; YES I will be taking every opportunity to share verbally with ANYONE who will listen!
In the Lord's language (Hebrew) there is no word for 'coincidence'....and my life proves that out over and over. The people, the mail, the exact timing of events, etc. etc. that have shown He is in complete control of my life's moments is OVERWHELMING and I just so wish I had a camera like that movie TRUMAN that could show it happening live for all of you to see!
I am not saying that the medical community has not been a welcome added help for sure, and I am so grateful for my home nurse Paula, my primary doc Janine Kasch, and the hospital staff that literally saved me from drowning in cancer fluid filling my abdomen. The wisdom God has given men to help with pain and healing is still part of my daily regime and I am very, very grateful.
It has not all been GLORY HALLELUJAH time....I indeed went through some serious hell, torment, pain, fear, all the garbage the devil attempts to wear you down and make you quit. But this I KNOW: the prayers of the warriors who backed me up when I was in those trenches is what brought me through!!!! One particular afternoon I was in so much pain all I could do was scream outloud in worship songs over and over, while my big sister visiting from Tennessee did serious warfare with the enemy, holding me and not stopping til we both pretty much collapsed on the bed. BUT WE WON. I slept after that, peacefully. I will share another Gethsemene day at another time, perhaps, but know that my precious Jesus was there as well, and things began to change.
Of all I have read, a stage 4 patient consistently declines rather fast, and has about 6 months to survive. Hmmmm, nope. Obviously God has other plans for me and I am doing all I can to LISTEN SO CAREFULLY to His voice daily on this battlefield. Yes, it is still a fight, a war, but as I said in an earlier post, it is a FIXED FIGHT won over 2000 years ago.
I like what I heard Laurie Crouch say on TBN the other night about how until Calvary, God's people were in a good vs. evil situation.....and then Jesus said I HAVE ALL AUTHORITY, AND NOW I GIVE IT TO YOU MY BELIEVERS.....sooooo, that means how much power does the enemy really have now? NONE....he can only LIE. As the saying goes:F.E.A.R. means "false evidence appearing real".
Oh devil, your time is coming to an end soon!!!
I'll end this blog with a quick physical report. My energy level is growing each day (as long as I only do what I should....spirit of stupid took me out and fell down some steps couple days ago but besides a sore elbow I'm fine, sigh). I can do my own hair, even cleaned the kitchen myself yesterday! I can climb my stairs to my bedroom without a breathing break now. My blood pressure is normal; I sleep 8 to 9 hours without waking EACH NIGHT; my pain is next to nil and meds are much farther apart; I can eat anything I want in moderation with NO REPURCUSSIONS; my weight has completely leveled off....haven't been this size since high school, although my senior skin will take some serious work after I'm 100% again. I'm going to keep my hair long as its easier to manage, and I've never had long hair! I'll just have to get creative.... Sooo, you can see I am getting my miracle one day at a time, and I am so so so so blessed and amazed at the grace my Jesus is bestowing on me.
Please know I pray EVERY SINGLE NIGHT as I lay my head on my pillow for my dear friends Ronnie Land, Sherry Dimov and others who are also in this fight for strength and supernatural peace while they wait on their miracle. One day soon all this will be over....King Jesus will reign and there will be no sickness, no pain, no death, ......just eternity to breath in all His love with all our family and friends---YOU'LL BE THERE, RIGHT?
Love to all....and a prosperous 2017 in every way!
Friday, December 30, 2016
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Cancer Is Quite the Teacher
I never thought I would be proud of the fact I ate a small salad bowl of greens.
But it was truly an accomplishment for this ole gal. Haven't ate more than a couple tablespoons of whatever in weeks, so an ENTIRE salad being consumed is amazing for me!
LESSON ONE: "Food is fuel, and I don't need a FULL tank to be satisfied."
No secret I've battled my weight since my maternity days. Food has been VERY important to me. Partly because of my childhood, partly because its so available so easily....but mostly because it became my comfort (replacing the Comforter, ick, how I hated typing that but SO TRUE). It's the one area I kept lordship over, Jesus forgive me. Now food is something I need to keep this body of mine going strong to fight this disease. Right now I think about everything I put into my mouth, asking myself if its going to help or hurt in the battle. How I wish I would've considered such before all this. But NO COULDA, SHOULDA, WOULDA, thinking here....wasted time and energy! I'm going on from here, learning as much as I can about how the Lord has provided EVERYTHING we need for nourishment, including healing "in the trees".
Disclaimer.....I am not going to forever eat "twigs and berries" as my Kellie so often says. But during this fight I'm going to do my very best to cleanse this bod of all the gunk I've fed it for so long.
ALSO...do NOT let the devil put any condemnation on YOU reading this! You and Jesus are the only ones who can deal with a food issue, so just keep reading please, and leave that to the Holy Spirit.
LESSON TWO: "My children are rare, incredibly giving souls."
As any mom will tell you, her kids are pretty dang special. Mine were not perfect growing up and they would be the first to admit that. BUT even in their rebellious seasons they never openly dishonored their parents, and I was never, ever ashamed to say "she's/he's mine!"
Now the older they get (middle age, WHAAAAT???) they have become my lifelines, my go-tos, and now in this battle, my caregivers. Each has their own way of contributing to the fight....administration (do you have any idea how many doctors, forms, financial decisions, etc. are involved in this?! UH!)....nursing and nurturing with compassion WHETHER I WANT IT OR NOT (bathing, cooking and making sure I eat it, literally watching me sleep and stirring if I even move a finger all night).....literally laying aside their own lives---kids, spouses, their own beds for a blow up mattress or hard chair to sleep in---for DAYS to take care of Mom.....and sometimes if not always they make me LAUGH, and laugh hard which is better than any pain meds. One of my boys sends me scriptures and sermons the Lord shares with me that are always RIGHT ON TIME. My youngest just lets me lay in his lap all I want to and cry or just sleep. One daughter sends homemade soups, mmmmmm. Another never misses a day where she's texting me from work, asking how I'm doing. My oldest boy can't enter or leave the room I'm in without smooching me on top the head. I could go on and on but there's so much snot on the keyboard I have to take a kleenex break. You get it, I hope.
LESSON THREE: "A storm reveals what was already there."
I love that quote! Not sure where I heard or read it, but it has stayed with me since the day of my diagnosis. Like the precious folk in Louisiana who have survived the floods so far, they are finding inner strength and resolve they probably had no idea they were possessing. And cancer tends to do the same to a person. Especially if you have Jesus Christ as your personal Friend and Lord.
Whether you use that strength however is up to you. That's the key.
People have told me over and over my entire life, "you're so strong, Mary." But when my body was attacking me with every possible pain one could have (I think my even my hair hurt) and they are prepping you for an invasive procedure which would bring MORE pain...I did NOT feel strong in any way. As a matter of fact, I was a bithering, snotslinging mess. But....it was then I called on Jesus, closing my eyes and envisioning Him literally wrapping His arms around me; I used every letter of the alphabet to start a sentence or scripture that declared His goodness. And He got me through whatever I was facing. I know He always will.
My life scripture He gave me at age nine said He would make me tough, and I guess He has. Why am I surprised? He cannot lie. He told me to never fear, He would be there WITH ME. And He is.
No doubt there will be many, many lessons I will learn in this war. But this soldier is determined to come out victoriously, promoted to at least a sergeant maybe? lol
Hopefully, whoever reads this will also pick up some truth and maybe even wisdom along the way too.
Let it be so, Lord Jesus.
But it was truly an accomplishment for this ole gal. Haven't ate more than a couple tablespoons of whatever in weeks, so an ENTIRE salad being consumed is amazing for me!
LESSON ONE: "Food is fuel, and I don't need a FULL tank to be satisfied."
No secret I've battled my weight since my maternity days. Food has been VERY important to me. Partly because of my childhood, partly because its so available so easily....but mostly because it became my comfort (replacing the Comforter, ick, how I hated typing that but SO TRUE). It's the one area I kept lordship over, Jesus forgive me. Now food is something I need to keep this body of mine going strong to fight this disease. Right now I think about everything I put into my mouth, asking myself if its going to help or hurt in the battle. How I wish I would've considered such before all this. But NO COULDA, SHOULDA, WOULDA, thinking here....wasted time and energy! I'm going on from here, learning as much as I can about how the Lord has provided EVERYTHING we need for nourishment, including healing "in the trees".
Disclaimer.....I am not going to forever eat "twigs and berries" as my Kellie so often says. But during this fight I'm going to do my very best to cleanse this bod of all the gunk I've fed it for so long.
ALSO...do NOT let the devil put any condemnation on YOU reading this! You and Jesus are the only ones who can deal with a food issue, so just keep reading please, and leave that to the Holy Spirit.
LESSON TWO: "My children are rare, incredibly giving souls."
As any mom will tell you, her kids are pretty dang special. Mine were not perfect growing up and they would be the first to admit that. BUT even in their rebellious seasons they never openly dishonored their parents, and I was never, ever ashamed to say "she's/he's mine!"
Now the older they get (middle age, WHAAAAT???) they have become my lifelines, my go-tos, and now in this battle, my caregivers. Each has their own way of contributing to the fight....administration (do you have any idea how many doctors, forms, financial decisions, etc. are involved in this?! UH!)....nursing and nurturing with compassion WHETHER I WANT IT OR NOT (bathing, cooking and making sure I eat it, literally watching me sleep and stirring if I even move a finger all night).....literally laying aside their own lives---kids, spouses, their own beds for a blow up mattress or hard chair to sleep in---for DAYS to take care of Mom.....and sometimes if not always they make me LAUGH, and laugh hard which is better than any pain meds. One of my boys sends me scriptures and sermons the Lord shares with me that are always RIGHT ON TIME. My youngest just lets me lay in his lap all I want to and cry or just sleep. One daughter sends homemade soups, mmmmmm. Another never misses a day where she's texting me from work, asking how I'm doing. My oldest boy can't enter or leave the room I'm in without smooching me on top the head. I could go on and on but there's so much snot on the keyboard I have to take a kleenex break. You get it, I hope.
LESSON THREE: "A storm reveals what was already there."
I love that quote! Not sure where I heard or read it, but it has stayed with me since the day of my diagnosis. Like the precious folk in Louisiana who have survived the floods so far, they are finding inner strength and resolve they probably had no idea they were possessing. And cancer tends to do the same to a person. Especially if you have Jesus Christ as your personal Friend and Lord.
Whether you use that strength however is up to you. That's the key.
People have told me over and over my entire life, "you're so strong, Mary." But when my body was attacking me with every possible pain one could have (I think my even my hair hurt) and they are prepping you for an invasive procedure which would bring MORE pain...I did NOT feel strong in any way. As a matter of fact, I was a bithering, snotslinging mess. But....it was then I called on Jesus, closing my eyes and envisioning Him literally wrapping His arms around me; I used every letter of the alphabet to start a sentence or scripture that declared His goodness. And He got me through whatever I was facing. I know He always will.
My life scripture He gave me at age nine said He would make me tough, and I guess He has. Why am I surprised? He cannot lie. He told me to never fear, He would be there WITH ME. And He is.
No doubt there will be many, many lessons I will learn in this war. But this soldier is determined to come out victoriously, promoted to at least a sergeant maybe? lol
Hopefully, whoever reads this will also pick up some truth and maybe even wisdom along the way too.
Let it be so, Lord Jesus.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
I'm At WAR...but its a fixed fight!
My son-in-law said it best...we will not ask God "why?" but we will ask Him "what?"
That was his response when our family was given the news that I have advanced cancer in my body.
It is still surreal. Even though I've been scanned, and poked in more places and positions than I would ever care to, it still seems as if it is happening to someone else. I've seen the diagnosis written out. I've heard doctors in various consultations use words and phrases such as "probable outcome" and "potential treatments." It was VERY odd walking into a 'cancer treatment center'.....
I don't intend this blog to be one that merely updates my readers on my daily ups and downs as I go through this season. I do want it to kick the devil in the teeth regularly as I let you know the victories and yes, even joys, that will join me in this battle for LIFE. Because that is what this is all about.
LIFE, not death.
The word cancer has put fear, dread and hopelessness into so many hearts. Its been frustrating seeing marketing companies capitalize on it, church bodies actually argue over its cause, families split apart because of panic and who will "be in charge". Instead of pulling together to fight the ugly disease itself, they point to the negative report, the latest article they read online, or what happened to Uncle Wilbur just before his death. Visits are somber events, usually ending in a prayer begging God to ease the pain and bring healing 'if its His will'. SIGH.
My daddy passed away from cancer at age 67 in 1983. I know what its like to watch someone you love lose weight daily it seemed, go in and out of conciousness, and suffer some days with such pain tears are the only language spoken during your visit. But I also saw my father face eternity as a changed man.....finally at peace with himself and His Lord. He was able to joke and share his deepest emotions for the first time in his life. At the very end he slipped into his new life completely drug-free and looking upward, with a half-smile on his face. How I wished Daddy could have received what his Heavenly Father had already offered him at the moment of his salvation some 40 years previously....unconditional love, grace and forgiveness. I believe he would have approached that demon cancer differently. I'm so grateful, however that our pastor at that time was able to lead Daddy to the fullness of knowing the Holy Spirit in His fullness in those last few weeks. He sang in a heavenly language, his entire countenance changed from panic to peace, from dread to joy and even hope.
So I'm not being nieve when I consider the path ahead. I know there will be days and nights it will be ugly and even scary perhaps. But this I know: GOD IS SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS.
As my Nano prayed "Lord, we aren't going to ask 'why?' but instead we will ask You 'what'...what do we do to fight this battle with mom until we see complete victory?" And that is what my family and I are going to do. I don't like using those flowery words like journey, path, season,....no, this is WAR! There will be several battles within this war, and I know I will need an army to stand with and for me to see jerkface, brimstonebreath, aka satan, lose his plan to shut the mouths of this clan who has been called to DECLARE THE GLORIOUS WORKS OF THE LORD. One of my other boys said we'll be asking Him for directives---the strategic plans each step of the way. For those of you who will be following my blog, you'll be posted on them and hopefully join us as we battle 'not flesh and blood but the principalities and powers' that come against me, physically and mentally.
Which brings me to one more thing I need to put in stone. 90% of this fight will take place in the battlefield of the mind, so I will be surrounding myself with LIFE-giving people, tons of humor (if you know my family at all this will be easy!), healing testimonies, and tons of time spent in worship and the Word, reminding myself and my Lord of His promises to me!
I don't believe God EVER sends sickness on anyone to 'teach' them something....but He does intend us to grow and learn from the experience (as a teacher I certainly know this---tests show what you KNOW OR NEED TO KNOW, RIGHT?). He's already been schooling me on "weak".....I've always been the strong one, the 'go-to' and now there are days I have to rely on others to do for me...UH! SO FOREIGN FOR ME! But the 'lesson' is more of Him and less of me...so I'm doing just that. Not easy, but I think I'm getting better at it. I think. lol There will be many more lessons to come I am sure. And I welcome them as each brings me closer to the One Who loves me most.
So here we go. I have two verses I've stood on my whole life.....they have never been so precious as now........
"Fear not, there is nothing to fear for I am with you, do not look around in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and harden you to difficulties; Yes I will help you and retain you with my victorious right hand of rightness and justice!" Isaiah 41:10
"Happy is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill the promises He made to her." Luke 1:45
This week the old hymn my mom used to sing often while playing her beloved piano keeps ringing in my heart....
"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His Word
Just to rest upon His promise, just to know 'thus saith the Lord!"
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him, how I've proved Him o'er and o'er!
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus, Oh for grace to trust Him more!
That was his response when our family was given the news that I have advanced cancer in my body.
It is still surreal. Even though I've been scanned, and poked in more places and positions than I would ever care to, it still seems as if it is happening to someone else. I've seen the diagnosis written out. I've heard doctors in various consultations use words and phrases such as "probable outcome" and "potential treatments." It was VERY odd walking into a 'cancer treatment center'.....
I don't intend this blog to be one that merely updates my readers on my daily ups and downs as I go through this season. I do want it to kick the devil in the teeth regularly as I let you know the victories and yes, even joys, that will join me in this battle for LIFE. Because that is what this is all about.
LIFE, not death.
The word cancer has put fear, dread and hopelessness into so many hearts. Its been frustrating seeing marketing companies capitalize on it, church bodies actually argue over its cause, families split apart because of panic and who will "be in charge". Instead of pulling together to fight the ugly disease itself, they point to the negative report, the latest article they read online, or what happened to Uncle Wilbur just before his death. Visits are somber events, usually ending in a prayer begging God to ease the pain and bring healing 'if its His will'. SIGH.
My daddy passed away from cancer at age 67 in 1983. I know what its like to watch someone you love lose weight daily it seemed, go in and out of conciousness, and suffer some days with such pain tears are the only language spoken during your visit. But I also saw my father face eternity as a changed man.....finally at peace with himself and His Lord. He was able to joke and share his deepest emotions for the first time in his life. At the very end he slipped into his new life completely drug-free and looking upward, with a half-smile on his face. How I wished Daddy could have received what his Heavenly Father had already offered him at the moment of his salvation some 40 years previously....unconditional love, grace and forgiveness. I believe he would have approached that demon cancer differently. I'm so grateful, however that our pastor at that time was able to lead Daddy to the fullness of knowing the Holy Spirit in His fullness in those last few weeks. He sang in a heavenly language, his entire countenance changed from panic to peace, from dread to joy and even hope.
So I'm not being nieve when I consider the path ahead. I know there will be days and nights it will be ugly and even scary perhaps. But this I know: GOD IS SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS.
As my Nano prayed "Lord, we aren't going to ask 'why?' but instead we will ask You 'what'...what do we do to fight this battle with mom until we see complete victory?" And that is what my family and I are going to do. I don't like using those flowery words like journey, path, season,....no, this is WAR! There will be several battles within this war, and I know I will need an army to stand with and for me to see jerkface, brimstonebreath, aka satan, lose his plan to shut the mouths of this clan who has been called to DECLARE THE GLORIOUS WORKS OF THE LORD. One of my other boys said we'll be asking Him for directives---the strategic plans each step of the way. For those of you who will be following my blog, you'll be posted on them and hopefully join us as we battle 'not flesh and blood but the principalities and powers' that come against me, physically and mentally.
Which brings me to one more thing I need to put in stone. 90% of this fight will take place in the battlefield of the mind, so I will be surrounding myself with LIFE-giving people, tons of humor (if you know my family at all this will be easy!), healing testimonies, and tons of time spent in worship and the Word, reminding myself and my Lord of His promises to me!
I don't believe God EVER sends sickness on anyone to 'teach' them something....but He does intend us to grow and learn from the experience (as a teacher I certainly know this---tests show what you KNOW OR NEED TO KNOW, RIGHT?). He's already been schooling me on "weak".....I've always been the strong one, the 'go-to' and now there are days I have to rely on others to do for me...UH! SO FOREIGN FOR ME! But the 'lesson' is more of Him and less of me...so I'm doing just that. Not easy, but I think I'm getting better at it. I think. lol There will be many more lessons to come I am sure. And I welcome them as each brings me closer to the One Who loves me most.
So here we go. I have two verses I've stood on my whole life.....they have never been so precious as now........
"Fear not, there is nothing to fear for I am with you, do not look around in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and harden you to difficulties; Yes I will help you and retain you with my victorious right hand of rightness and justice!" Isaiah 41:10
"Happy is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill the promises He made to her." Luke 1:45
This week the old hymn my mom used to sing often while playing her beloved piano keeps ringing in my heart....
"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His Word
Just to rest upon His promise, just to know 'thus saith the Lord!"
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him, how I've proved Him o'er and o'er!
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus, Oh for grace to trust Him more!
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