A lot of you I'm sure, have seen the LITTLE HOUSE episode where Albert is hooked on morphine, and Charles has to take him to a secluded cabin for detox, right?  Cold turkey.  Not pretty.  The perfect son with the curly black hair that favors his daddy so well in looks and good deeds is now one hot mess. But Dad gets him through.

Well, my experience this past week with drugs was NOT as graphic or horrifically damaging to my body as that, (although there were moments I wanted to be in Walnut Grove laughing at Half Pint's latest bucktooth joke)....I did learn several things about addiction, but more importantly about compassion.  Not to mention understanding.

In movies, on tv, and maybe even in our own neighborhoods or sadly within our own families, we see an addict and what is our first thought?

"What an idiot!"  "Why would he/she stoop so low to that?"  "Why would they be willing to pay such a price for that garbage?!"    And of course...."I would never allow myself to get to that point..."

 Hmm.

Since my hospital visit in the summer when I was first diagnosed, they've had me on a very, very strong pain med.  It's what they 'do' as a medical community, its their job to make us comfortable when they assume we will be in extreme pain due to the disease we carry.  Of course as you know part of my miracle is how God is doing things in reverse for me one step at a time, and even though I am at home with Hospice/HomeHealth care, I'm NOT declining, and I love my nurse Paula's reaction everytime she visits. "You look amazing, I am so shocked!"    Not me. Enter large smile here.

As I said on my FB update, those meds started to turn on me and I was finding myself dizzy, very agitated, and nauseous most the day, etc.  It was apparent a change had to be made.  So Paula and the doc made the decision to take me completely off the strong pain med and change up a few other things.  I had truly already felt this was to happen, but as I told her "I'm following God's orders for sure but He has told me YOU are in charge of this part, soooooo..."

WOWZERS.  How many ways can I say ICK.  Insomnia, leg cramps and shakes, anxiety to the max, headaches, and crying....LOTS OF CRYING.  This lasted only days, but it felt like months!  Each day got easier and my nurse was able to help me do a better weaning process through some milder meds, plus she's an incredible 17 year RN full of encouragement and experience that calms wonderfully.  Remember, Mary has never been sick her whole life, so anything medically related is new and an 'adventure' for me, sigh.

Praise the Lord, I'm past the ICK, and I slept all night and awoke this morning feeling 90% normal again.  In my devotions God reminded me I'm still in transition, still only part way there, and to be patient as He gives me step by step what I am to do to see my miracle come to fruition.  (Just last night He gave me steps 1, 2, and 3 and even though Marsh probably thought I was losing it....as I did EXACTLY what He said IN THAT ORDER, it all came together and I slept til 8 am.)   He is such a good God.....trust and obey.  Its that simple, folks.

But you know, this is not what this blog is about.  Here's what really hit me hard during all this.

During my "Albert" experience, two people stuck in my mind over and over.

One was a beautiful, young mom who tried her best to beat her addiction, even through Teen Challenge that has an excellent recovery ratio.  But she ended up committing suicide in a motel.  It shocked everyone, especially her family.

The other is a very young man living on the streets, all his family turned against him mainly because he cannot be trusted in any way not to steal them blind for more drugs.  He's been arrested several times but its as if the authorities don't even want to mess with him anymore, and he's repeatedly released back to the streets....and ultimately more drugs.

Here's the God-question that kept coming to my heart as their faces crossed my mind....

"What kind of pain would drive them to this form of 'numbing' ?  Why would they risk everything, allow the enemy of their bodies and minds to rule over them?"   And of course, let's add on the horrid prospect of detox for them....sometimes worse than the drug effects themselves.

I covered my face with a pillow as I sobbed tears first of sorrow for those two, just because of her sad ending and his seemingly hopeless daily existence.

Then came a different wave of emotion...shame---MINE.

The shame that comes when you realize you've judged someone, and you as a believer see those loving eyes of the Heavenly Father filling with tears as He watches His precious kids hurt so bad.  "Casting the first stone, Mary?"  I ask His forgiveness and start to pray for anything I may have contributed to anyone's pain in that condition.   My pillow is now ready to be laundered. But its not over yet.

Now I'm asked by my Lord, "Are you aware of the pain that first drove these children of mine to want to numb, to forget in any way they can?"   And because I know their stories, I have to answer Him truthfully.

REJECTION.  Two different stories completely, but both containing events that told them in word and action YOU ARE WORTHLESS.  Without details in order to keep identities anonymous, suffice to say adults, family members no less, showered unthinkable, selfish acts on these two as small children....obviously the enemy of their souls sent plenty of reinforcement to remind them "YES, SEE YOU TRULY ARE WORTHLESS, YOU KEEP MESSING UP. WORTHLESS. WORTHLESS."  Failure after failure followed them.  One of them gave up.  The other, I pray for hard nightly.

Why would I want to share such with YOU, friend?  Because I truly believe that in these last days God is going to show us people who will need to be viewed entirely differently and with great compassion and the mercy of Father God.  We will be His hands, His mouth, His provision, His HOPE.

I know this just sounds like a sermon you've all heard before, doesn't it?

But the difference for me is now I KNOW what incredible pain can do to one's mindset.  Especially if the enemy can trick you into thinking you are ALONE in it.  Before I started recovering from this stinking cancer, I had a day where Marsh was gone for 6 hours taking care of business down the hill, and my sister was unavailable for support.  The pain in my body was horrendous, and I screamed, begged, and pleaded for God's help for what seemed like hours on the floor of my livingroom.  Alone.  And alone was the worst part. I didn't know what else to do except take an extra pain pill and exhausted I finally fell asleep.   It's never happened again.

This world of ours is changing so fast and in so many ways.  It's going to get horribly darker where men refuse to acknowledge their need for God, but it is also going to get brighter and prosperous where God's people, those who will actually LIVE AND BREATH by His Word, will be able to see those ones who are hurting so bad and will do something about their pain!!!!   Whether its emotional, physical, whatever .....as it says in the Bible: "....God's goodness will lead men to repentence."   NOT OUR JUDGING, IGNORING, RELIGIOUS WORDS WITH NO ACTION.  His goodness.

Never in a billion years would I have imagined, let alone chosen CANCER to be an avenue in which I would learn so much about myself, my world, and mostly my Lord.  All I know is that after my day on the livingroom carpet, and I prayed my Gethsemene prayer "Nevertheless, Lord, Your will be done."  .....my life has changed.  

My life's aim now is to have the Father's eyes and heart.  When our world starts to get uglier, and the nightly news seems to confirm it all over the world, I am believing that God's people will make the choice to be aware, watch more carefully, for ANYONE who may need that touch of compassion and hope that we have so graciously received....the love of The Father.  Many will be looking for the light in their darkness.  Will you be available?  Are you willing to take the time and invest in someone who has a secret pain that started them down that road of hopelessness?  Maybe its not drugs, maybe its food or sex or whatever.  They were WOUNDED AND ITS STILL BLEEDING.

 I know I WILL BE. God, give me the strength to do it as often as I can.   It's what my miracle is all about!

"So he returned home to his father and while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming.  Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, and embraced him...."  Luke 15

One Miracle At A Time

I truly don't know where to start.

Since my diagnosis in September of Stage 4 Bone Cancer my life has been on the biggest roller coaster ever.  I have gone as deep as one can go (or did I?) and yet now I am experiencing daily miracles that make me want to shout from the housetops what an incredible God I have.

I guess it will have to be written down in my book someday....a work in progress for the last 7 years...sigh.  But I have a feeling I will also be sharing, no....take that back; YES I will be taking every opportunity to share verbally with ANYONE who will listen!  

In the Lord's language (Hebrew) there is no word for 'coincidence'....and my life proves that out over and over.  The people, the mail, the exact timing of events, etc. etc. that have shown He is in complete control of my life's moments is OVERWHELMING and I just so wish I had a camera like that movie TRUMAN that could show it happening live for all of you to see!

I am not saying that the medical community has not been a welcome added help for sure, and I am so grateful for my home nurse Paula, my primary doc Janine Kasch, and the hospital staff that literally saved me from drowning in cancer fluid filling my abdomen.  The wisdom God has given men to help with pain and healing is still part of my daily regime and I am very, very grateful.

It has not all been GLORY HALLELUJAH time....I indeed went through some serious hell, torment, pain, fear, all the garbage the devil attempts to wear you down and make you quit.  But this I KNOW:  the prayers of the warriors who backed me up when I was in those trenches is what brought me through!!!!   One particular afternoon I was in so much pain all I could do was scream outloud in worship songs over and over, while my big sister visiting from Tennessee did serious warfare with the enemy, holding me and not stopping til we both pretty much collapsed on the bed.  BUT WE WON.  I slept after that, peacefully.    I will share another Gethsemene day at another time, perhaps, but know that my precious Jesus was there as well, and things began to change.

Of all I have read, a stage 4 patient consistently declines rather fast, and has about 6 months to survive.  Hmmmm, nope.  Obviously God has other plans for me and I am doing all I can to LISTEN SO CAREFULLY to His voice daily on this battlefield.  Yes, it is still a fight, a war, but as I said in an earlier post, it is a FIXED FIGHT won over 2000 years ago.

I like what I heard Laurie Crouch say on TBN the other night about how until Calvary, God's people were in a good vs. evil situation.....and then Jesus said I HAVE ALL AUTHORITY, AND NOW I GIVE IT TO YOU MY BELIEVERS.....sooooo, that means how much power does the enemy really have now? NONE....he can only LIE.  As the saying goes:F.E.A.R. means "false evidence appearing real".
Oh devil, your time is coming to an end soon!!!

I'll end this blog with a quick physical report.  My energy level is growing each day (as long as I only do what I should....spirit of stupid took me out and fell down some steps couple days ago but besides a sore elbow I'm fine, sigh).  I can do my own hair, even cleaned the kitchen myself yesterday!  I can climb my stairs to my bedroom without a breathing break now.  My blood pressure is normal; I sleep 8 to 9 hours without waking EACH NIGHT;  my pain is next to nil and meds are much farther apart; I can eat anything I want in moderation with NO REPURCUSSIONS; my weight has completely leveled off....haven't been this size since high school, although my senior skin will take some serious work after I'm 100% again.  I'm going to keep my hair long as its easier to manage, and I've never had long hair! I'll just have to get creative....  Sooo, you can see I am getting my miracle one day at a time, and I am so so so so blessed and amazed at the grace my Jesus is bestowing on me.

Please know I pray EVERY SINGLE NIGHT as I  lay my head on my pillow for my dear friends Ronnie Land, Sherry Dimov and others who are also in this fight for strength and supernatural peace while they wait on their miracle.  One day soon all this will be over....King Jesus will reign and there will be no sickness, no pain, no death, ......just eternity to breath in all His love with all our family and friends---YOU'LL BE THERE, RIGHT?

Love to all....and a prosperous 2017 in every way!    

Cancer Is Quite the Teacher

I never thought I would be proud of the fact I ate a small salad bowl of greens.
But it was truly an accomplishment for this ole gal.  Haven't ate more than a couple tablespoons of whatever in weeks, so an ENTIRE salad being consumed is amazing for me!

LESSON ONE:  "Food is fuel, and I don't need a FULL tank to be satisfied."  
No secret I've battled my weight since my maternity days.  Food has been VERY important to me. Partly because of my childhood, partly because its so available so easily....but mostly because it became my comfort (replacing the Comforter, ick, how I hated typing that but SO TRUE).  It's the one area I kept lordship over, Jesus forgive me.  Now food is something I need to keep this body of mine going strong to fight this disease.  Right now I think about everything I put into my mouth, asking myself if its going to help or hurt in the battle.  How I wish I would've considered such before all this.  But NO COULDA, SHOULDA, WOULDA, thinking here....wasted time and energy!  I'm going on from here, learning as much as I can about how the Lord has provided EVERYTHING we need for nourishment, including healing "in the trees".
Disclaimer.....I am not going to forever eat "twigs and berries" as my Kellie so often says.  But during this fight I'm going to do my very best to cleanse this bod of all the gunk I've fed it for so long.
ALSO...do NOT let the devil put any condemnation on YOU reading this!  You and Jesus are the only ones who can deal with a food issue, so just keep reading please, and leave that to the Holy Spirit.

LESSON TWO:  "My children are rare, incredibly giving souls."
As any mom will tell you, her kids are pretty dang special.  Mine were not perfect growing up and they would be the first to admit that.  BUT even in their rebellious seasons they never openly dishonored their parents, and I was never, ever ashamed to say "she's/he's mine!"
Now the older they get (middle age, WHAAAAT???) they have become my lifelines, my go-tos, and now in this battle, my caregivers.  Each has their own way of contributing to the fight....administration (do you have any idea how many doctors, forms, financial decisions, etc. are involved in this?! UH!)....nursing and nurturing with compassion WHETHER I WANT IT OR NOT (bathing, cooking and making sure I eat it, literally watching me sleep and stirring if I even move a finger all night).....literally laying aside their own lives---kids, spouses, their own beds for a blow up mattress or hard chair to sleep in---for DAYS to take care of Mom.....and sometimes if not always they make me LAUGH, and laugh hard which is better than any pain meds.  One of my boys sends me scriptures and sermons the Lord shares with me that are always RIGHT ON TIME.  My youngest just lets me lay in his lap all I want to and cry or just sleep.  One daughter sends homemade soups, mmmmmm.  Another never misses a day where she's texting me from work, asking how I'm doing. My oldest boy can't enter or leave the room I'm in without smooching me on top the head.  I could go on and on but there's so much snot on the keyboard I have to take a kleenex break.  You get it, I hope.

LESSON THREE:  "A storm reveals what was already there."
I love that quote!  Not sure where I heard or read it, but it has stayed with me since the day of my diagnosis.  Like the precious folk in Louisiana who have survived the floods so far, they are finding inner strength and resolve they probably had no idea they were possessing.  And cancer tends to do the same to a person.  Especially if you have Jesus Christ as your personal Friend and Lord.
Whether you use that strength however is up to you.  That's the key.
People have told me over and over my entire life, "you're so strong, Mary."  But when my body was attacking me with every possible pain one could have (I think my even my hair hurt) and they are prepping you for an invasive procedure which would bring MORE pain...I did NOT feel strong in any way.  As a matter of fact, I was a bithering, snotslinging mess.  But....it was then I called on Jesus, closing my eyes and envisioning Him literally wrapping His arms around me;  I used every letter of the alphabet to start a sentence or scripture that declared His goodness.  And He got me through whatever I was facing.  I know He always will.
My life scripture He gave me at age nine said He would make me tough, and I guess He has.  Why am I surprised?  He cannot lie.  He told me to never fear, He would be there WITH ME.  And He is.

No doubt there will be many, many lessons I will learn in this war.  But this soldier is determined to come out victoriously, promoted to at least a sergeant maybe?  lol
Hopefully, whoever reads this will also pick up some truth and maybe even wisdom along the way too.  

Let it be so, Lord Jesus.

I'm At WAR...but its a fixed fight!

My son-in-law said it best...we will not ask God "why?" but we will ask Him "what?"
That was his response when our family was given the news that I have advanced cancer in my body.

It is still surreal.  Even though I've been scanned, and poked in more places and positions than I would ever care to, it still seems as if it is happening to someone else.  I've seen the diagnosis written out.  I've heard doctors in various consultations use words and phrases such as "probable outcome" and "potential treatments."  It was VERY odd walking into a 'cancer treatment center'.....

I don't intend this blog to be one that merely updates my readers on my daily ups and downs as I go through this season.  I do want it to kick the devil in the teeth regularly as I let you know the victories and yes, even joys, that will join me in this battle for LIFE.  Because that is what this is all about.

LIFE, not death.

The word cancer has put fear, dread and hopelessness into so many hearts.  Its been frustrating seeing marketing companies capitalize on it, church bodies actually argue over its cause, families split apart because of panic and who will "be in charge".  Instead of pulling together to fight the ugly disease itself, they point to the negative report, the latest article they read online, or what happened to Uncle Wilbur just before his death.  Visits are somber events, usually ending in a prayer begging God to ease the pain and bring healing 'if its His will'.    SIGH.

My daddy passed away from cancer at age 67 in 1983.  I know what its like to watch someone you love lose weight daily it seemed, go in and out of conciousness, and suffer some days with such pain tears are the only language spoken during your  visit.  But I also saw my father face eternity as a changed man.....finally at peace with himself and His Lord.  He was able to joke and share his deepest emotions for the first time in his life.  At the very end he slipped into his new life completely drug-free and looking upward, with a half-smile on his face.  How I wished Daddy could have received what his Heavenly Father had already offered him at the moment of his salvation some 40 years previously....unconditional love, grace and forgiveness.  I believe he would have approached that demon cancer differently.  I'm so grateful, however that our pastor at that time was able to lead Daddy to the fullness of knowing the Holy Spirit in His fullness in those last few weeks.  He sang in a heavenly language, his entire countenance changed from panic to peace, from dread to joy and even hope.

So I'm not being nieve when I consider the path ahead.  I know there will be days and nights it will be ugly and even scary perhaps.  But this I know: GOD IS SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS.

As my Nano prayed "Lord, we aren't going to ask 'why?' but instead we will ask You 'what'...what do we do to fight this battle with mom until we see complete victory?"   And that is what my family and I are going to do.  I don't like using those flowery words like journey, path, season,....no, this is WAR!  There will be several battles within this war, and I know I will need an army to stand with and for me to see jerkface, brimstonebreath, aka satan, lose his plan to shut the mouths of this clan who has been called to DECLARE THE GLORIOUS WORKS OF THE LORD.  One of my other boys said we'll be asking Him for directives---the strategic plans each step of the way.  For those of you who will be following my blog, you'll be posted on them and hopefully join us as we battle 'not flesh and blood but the principalities and powers' that come against me, physically and mentally.

Which brings me to one more thing I need to put in stone.  90% of this fight will take place in the battlefield of the mind, so I will be surrounding myself with LIFE-giving people, tons of humor (if you know my family at all this will be easy!), healing testimonies, and tons of time spent in worship and the Word, reminding myself and my Lord of His promises to me!

 I don't believe God EVER sends sickness on anyone to 'teach' them something....but He does intend us to grow and learn from the experience (as a teacher I certainly know this---tests show what you KNOW OR NEED TO KNOW, RIGHT?).  He's already been schooling me on "weak".....I've always been the strong one, the 'go-to' and now there are days I have to rely on others to do for me...UH!  SO FOREIGN FOR ME!  But the 'lesson' is more of Him and less of me...so I'm doing just that.  Not easy, but I think I'm getting better at it.  I think.  lol    There will be many more lessons to come I am sure.  And I welcome them as each brings me closer to the One Who loves me most.

So here we go.  I have two verses I've stood on my whole life.....they have never been so precious as now........
"Fear not, there is nothing to fear for I am with you, do not look around in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and harden you to difficulties; Yes I will help you and retain you with my victorious right hand of rightness and justice!"  Isaiah 41:10

"Happy is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill the promises He made to her."  Luke 1:45

This week the old hymn my mom used to sing often while playing her beloved piano keeps ringing in my heart....
"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His Word
Just to rest upon His promise, just to know 'thus saith the Lord!"
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him, how I've proved Him o'er and o'er!
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus, Oh for grace to trust Him more!

Angels...On Assignment!

Do you believe in angels? I know I do.

Not the fluffy, rosy-cheeked, porcelain skin angels you see at Christmas or in a collector’s curio cabinet. I’m talking about the angels who are on assignment to serve we humans, here on earth, now.

Like the one who changed my tire. (Yes, I said changed my tire.) Who came out of nowhere, on a white motorcycle, wearing a white helmet, and knew my name even though we never exchanged greetings.

Or the angel who sat with me at the bottom of my Grandpa’s stream, underwater...for several minutes until my brother could retrieve help from our Dad who was fishing nearby.

And then there’s Tumbler.

My son was having night terrors. Not just bad dreams. Terrors beyond the imagination of a child his age. Wide awake, he would scream for me, begging to sleep in his parent’s bed so ‘they would leave him alone.’ At times we would sit up all night watching television together, David snuggled in the blankets between his father and I. The torment my young son experienced was exhausting him and the dreams were increasing in violence and frequency.

“Lord,” I prayed, “send angels to David’s room at night. Show my boy You fight for him!”

A few days later while fixing my son’s breakfast, I casually asked him how his bedtime had been.

“Oh Mom, didn’t I tell you? Tumbler is taking care of it.” He yawned and dug into his cereal.

“Tumbler? What are you talking about?” I asked.

“My angel, Mom. He’s called Tumbler. Know why? When the bad guys come to scare me, he jumps up and he tumbles like this! Then...WHACK! He gets them good, and they take off.” David wipes the milk off his chin and dives in for another spoonful of Nutty-O’s.

Was it a coincidence my son’s bedtime hero was a warrior angel? No. Had he heard his mother’s prayer specifically for God to send someone to fight the evil robbing his sleep? No. It was just the right angel...on assignment.

Many years later, my heart is broken with the reality of the death of our grandson, Jake. Born eight weeks premature on his Papa’s birthday, Jake had fought valiantly for his life. The nurses had often commented on his feisty protests to the wires and tubes that kept him bound to his plastic ‘cell’. Each night, when his mother would be leaving the NICU for home, in pain and exhausted, Jake would raise his tiny head, open his big blue eyes as if to say “Now where do you think you are going!?”

His Papa and I were blessed to be with Jake and his parents when he passed from this life to eternity. His short life had impacted so many lives. His mommy designed his grave marker with boxing gloves, and the wording that read: “Our Baby Boy...Toughest Lil’ Fighter There Ever Was!”

A week later I stand in church raising my hands in surrender during worship. The tears of grief flowing down my cheeks, I sing with the congregation ‘How great is our God, then all will see, how great is our God!’ Suddenly, it was if I was taken back to the scene of Jake’s last moments on earth again.

Except this time, I watch as a being dressed in glistening beige clothes and sandals gently lifts Jake’s lifeless body from his daddy’s arms. He turns and hands him to Jesus, Who puts the now gurgling happy baby on His shoulder and smiles at me. As the Lord leaves, He casts a glance at the being who is smiling as well. It was Tumbler. Just as my son David had described him to me years earlier.

Tumbler and Jake. Both fighters. Coincidence? Not hardly.

Angels. On assignment.

It's Gonna Take HOW LONG??

It doesn't happen overnight.

Deterioration is something that takes time.  Usually a good length of it, as a matter of fact.
Neglect or lack of use; not cleaning away abrasive substances that when met with other factors like sunlight or water can cause a destructive reaction.  So it inevitably falls apart.

Restoration...yeah, that doesn't happen overnight either.  To get that 'new again' look, it will require hours, days, even months of hard work.  The right tools, the consistent touch applying just the correct amount of lubricant, paint or polish; researching the object in order to purposely bring back what the creator intended when first seen by public eye.

Whether its a bargain bookcase you scored at a yard sale or Uncle Fred's '56 Chevy no one wanted, restoration is hard work.  It will take commitment, diligence, even sacrifice to see your prize find returned to it's original state.

Now consider a marriage.

Decades of unmet (and unrealistic) expectations, emotional abandonment, repeated infidelity and spiritual abuse had trashed our "happily ever after."  Married at a very young age for all the wrong reasons, my husband and I found ourselves looking at what most would consider a relationship that was beyond restoration.

In 2006, we faced a trial (literally) that could have destroyed not only our relationship, but our family as a whole.  But with the love and support of our children, our pastors and closest friends, we made the choice to stand and we were victorious.  We entered into two years of counseling, many days spent in transparent and painful conversations, nights where all we could do was cry and hold each other....yes, I said two YEARS.

It was then I faced the ultimate test.  What if this restoration work takes another two years? What if my husband doesn't decide to follow the Lord as closely as he could, and he breaks my heart again? What if other life-altering issues happening at the same time (the unexpected loss of employment, the death of our grandchild) are making this restoration work just too difficult, too demanding?

Job of the Bible had lost absolutely everything. Family, all of his personal assets, the respect of his  closest friends, his health, and yes, even his faith.  He came to the point finally where he admitted to the Lord he wished he had never even been born!  He just wanted out of all that pain.  To Job, at this point, his was not a salvageable life....not even God could restore what he had lost.

Then we're told how God begins to share with Job His heart....His perspective.  He tells Job to wipe his boil-scarred face, sit up as straight as he can and then the God Who Sees and Knows All begins to remind His hurting child that He is also The God Who Heals.

We know the end of the story; Job is blessed with not only total restoration of what he lost, but double.  Scripture doesn't tell us how long Job had to wait to see the final piece put in place.  But it does give us insight into how he endured the process.

"I had heard of You only by the hearing of the ear...but now my spiritual eye sees You." Job 42:5

Like Job, I too was ready to give up on life.  I wasn't suicidal, I was just exhausted---more than ready to put away the tool box and let this restoration project go.  Yet as I yielded to His voice during worship one Sunday, I found the strength and the desire to keep the work going.  

As I sang the words to a favorite song, my spiritual eyes were opened, and not only did I hear those amazing words with my ears but I actually could envision my Lord nodding His head in approval! He was cheering me on, telling me He would indeed be there every step of the way!  No matter how many setbacks, unanswered questions or new mountains we faced, our God was going to be there with whatever we would need to see our marriage experience true healing and restoration.

It's been almost nine years now, and our life is not yet perfect.  We still have days where the work leaves us sore and tired for a while.  So we put aside the tools, sit down in a familiar, comfortable spot together and thank God for what He has already accomplished.  We'll listen to the songs that brought our spiritual eyes their sight, and once again find the courage and the energy to keep working with Him.

Whatever stage of restoration you may find yourself in, don't give up!  God can see the finished project, and He will work right alongside until you see it done as well.

No matter how long it takes.

"...being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ."  Philippians 1:6

Lessons Learned From A Blind Guy...Or is he?

I have a dear friend who is a gifted musician, singer, and anointed worship leader.
He is 65 years old, single, and has an incredible sense of humor.

And he is blind.

Although he is greatly independent, he still requires help with everyday tasks, such as getting to a store and finding the correct item.  Try this:  close your eyes the next time you stand in front of the entire section of shampoos and grab the one you desire.  No, not the one that's twice as expensive as your brand.  Not the one that will turn your baby fine hair to strings.  Be careful you don't knock over the 74 other bottles the stocker placed 'just so' on the shelf by the way.  See what I mean?

Or have a seat at a brand new restaurant.  You're handed a menu (out of habit on the part of the server, don't judge her) and you are asked "Have you decided?"  Yes, you could just ask for a burger or eggs and bacon to make your order simple for her.  But what if you really wanted something specific, like the Aloha Turkey Burger special your friend told you about yesterday?  Unless you ask for a braille menu which several places do NOT provide, or unless your friend who drove you there reads you the menu....yep, you're getting eggs and bacon.

How about entering a new building for the first time.  Hmmm, now there's a wall---WHACK!---oh yes, my forehead just told me that, because you see the individual who brought me walked away to greet someone on the other side of the room.  We won't mention the doors that led to closets or heaven help him, stairs!

So....walking a mile in his moccasins (or just an aisle or two at Wal Mart!) can stir up your empathy, compassion and patience to say the least.  Or at least it should.

Mind you, my friend with his sense of humor manages to weather such events regularly, even relieving the guilt and embarrassment of the 'guide' he was relying on.  For example, recently he gave me the distinct impression he was in dire need of the restroom while visiting our townhouse for the first time, so I led him to the hall and said "Door on the left!"  He entered and yelled back, "Mary, where's the light switch?!"  Naturally I ran back to the hall in a panic regretting I hadn't turned on the light first for my blind friend......riiiiiight.  He slammed the door in my face, chuckling behind it.

Still, I know there are days when my friend tires of his state.  And he longs for the ability to see what our beautiful granddaughter truly looks like.  He was there at her birth, singing gently as he rocked her.  Or the beautiful grounds of his current residence....would he be inspired to write an anthem of praise to the Creator if he actually saw His handiwork all around him?  Possibly.

But then, he has already written some beautiful songs that have blessed so many.  They speak of the beauty, the majesty, the compassion of a loving Lord.  As his amazing tenor voice swells with the chords on his keyboard, you hear the words "He is the Mender, He will give you Life!" and all of a sudden that hopeless situation is not so hopeless.

'How can this be?' you ask yourself after hearing a blind man sing with all his heart in complete confidence, that yes, Jesus is a Mender of anything broken. 'How can he do that?!'  

Well you see, my friend has something better than physical sight.  He sees with his heart.

His favorite thing to do is grab your hand and say "How's your heart?"  I love watching the reaction of people when he does that.  Especially if they hurriedly answer "Oh, just fine!" .....and he doesn't let go, sometimes asking again "So, how's your heart?"   They may nervously laugh and drop his hand quickly, puzzled at his insight to their hasty answer.  Or more often I see them sigh heavily, and begin to share what's troubling them.  He loves to just start praying right then and there for them, usually resulting in a thankful hug.

Its even more amazing how he can 'describe' a person after shaking their hand and being in the room for only a moment.  "He's such a gentle soul."  "She's so childlike in her spirit, so giving."  Or at times its not so positive.  "Man, that young woman is scary!  She's so dark, so much anger and ugliness." The latter aptly described to the 't' a gal that was full of hatred of men for the abuse she had endured her whole life, struggling with the occult and her face showed it all, even though her voice was sweet as molasses.  My non- sighted friend was completely unaware of all this, yet he 'saw' it just by holding her hand in greeting for the first time.

I've asked God for that same 'heart vision'.  If I truly want to be His representative on planet earth, don't I want to see others as He does?  The old man is abrasive and rude....or is he defending himself because of the abuse and apathy he's received his whole life?   She can't keep her mouth shut, ever! Or is it a cry for attention which really says "I am NOT invisible!  I'm not worthless!  I have something to contribute to this life!"   Like my friend, I need to grab their hand and say "How's your heart, really?" even if its only in my mind prayerfully to myself.  I want to see them as He does.

Something else my so-called sightless friend has taught me is how to maneuver through unfamiliar territory.  In recent years he learned the fine art of using his stick, which is wielded like a ray gun, taking out your shins should you foolishly get in front of the man.  Unlike the gentle tap-tap-tap of the one you may have seen in the movies used to slowly feel their way down a sidewalk, my confident blind buddy whips his fold-out stick in the fashion of a ninja and takes off with or without you!  The end of the tool appears to have radar as he waves it back and forth, up and down, sensing the boundaries the unseen world puts before him.  He really trusts that stick.

Do we trust God to guide us?  Comparing the Almighty to my friends stick is not the issue here....
What is important is what do we put our trust in when things are unseen, unfamiliar, even frightening?   Are we ready to stand up confidently, follow His gentle but firm leading, knowing we may hit a dip or two, but still walking on to our destiny?

I've noticed too, my friend will slowly lead out with his foot, feeling for the curb or step.  If you are his guide for the moment, he asks you to just hold his elbow and gently pull back or prod forward, not DRIVING OR DRAGGING his whole body around the area!

That reminds me of how the Holy Spirit is so patient with me....He's never pushing me or forcing me one way or another.  He simply taps my spirit, waiting for my cooperation in His guidance and we progress.  That is, IF I choose to let Him lead.  (Sadly, I've paid the consequences of NOT listening to Him and found myself doing a faceplant on the asphalt of life, sigh.)

But truly, I think the greatest lesson my friend has shown me through the years is when you're in the dark....really, really in the dark moments of your life, get in the presence of Jesus and worship.

My friend was married to a wonderful woman named Sandee.  She went home to be with the Lord several years ago now, but I can still see her beautiful blue eyes twinkle, as she'd tell her husband to "sing that song, honey, she needs to hear it."  My broken self would lie on their livingroom couch in a puddle and he would begin to play and sing on his shiny black, perfectly tuned baby grand piano.  Old hymns of faith; songs our choir had sung that brought healing to the people so many times, new worship choruses he had written in the middle of the night....song after song.  As the tears washed my pain away, Sandee would eventually come over to the couch and leaning over me with that big smile, she'd say "All better now?  Jesus is good, isn't He?"

To this day, when life has rendered me to feel hopeless, prayerless, and even tearless, I can lay down on the couch, put on my favorite worship and let Him hold my heart, until it can beat in time with His cadence of Truth again.  Oh, and I can hear my friend sing those words....

Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face;
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the Light of His glory and grace....

My friend, Dave Dobler, may be physically blind.  But my, oh my, does he see well.


 "You're blessed when you get your inside world--your mind and heart--put right.  Then you can see God in the outside world."  Matthew 5:8 MSG